Welcome, degenerates, dreamers, and data-heads!

It’s Thursday, June 5th, and today we’re kicking off Betting The Mascots — your new weekly playbook for college football chaos.

This newsletter is for anyone who's tired of recycled takes, boring breakdowns, and the same 3 teams getting all the love. Whether you're deep into college fantasy, living for upsets, or just need smarter game-day picks, we've got you covered.

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Fourth & Long: Off-Season Oddities & Overreactions

We're in the trenches now, folks. No actual games to analyze, just a swamp of whispers, questionable predictions, and the endless quest for engagement. Here’s what’s caught our critical eye in the land of phantom football this week:

The Arch Manning Anomaly: Is Texas REALLY Back This Time? (Asking for a Friend in Oklahoma)

You know it's off-season when Paul Finebaum, the oracle of SEC hot takes, starts carving out prophecies for a player who's barely seen the field. This week, Finebaum has declared that with Arch Manning at the helm, Texas is practically guaranteed a national championship. Now, don't get us wrong, the kid has pedigree and a cannon arm that could launch a small asteroid. But come on, "practically guaranteed"? We've heard "Texas is back" more times than we've seen a mascot get body-slammed. The pressure on Arch is going to be immense, and if Texas doesn't run the table, you just know the takes are going to be spicier than a ghost pepper enema. Our only question is: how many "Texas is still back" articles will we get after their inevitable early season stumble? Stay tuned.

ESPN's FPI Drop: Decoding the Algorithms That Decide Your Team's Fate (Before They Play a Snap)

Oh, how we love the smell of freshly brewed, utterly meaningless preseason metrics in the morning! ESPN just dropped its updated Football Power Index (FPI) projections for 2025, and surprise, surprise, the SEC is still living rent-free in everyone's heads. While the Big Ten is busy consolidating its power, the FPI sees roughly 4.6 playoff bids for the SEC. Because, of course, the universe revolves around Nick Saban's retirement plans. On the flip side, who knew Georgia Tech was a dark horse ACC contender? The FPI gives them the best chance in the ACC, which either means the Yellow Jackets are about to shock the world, or someone at ESPN accidentally spilled coffee on the algorithm. Either way, it's a fun little reminder that these projections are just numbers until the actual players show up. And trust us, the players rarely read the FPI.

Bahamas Bowl Blasphemy: Paradise Lost, Probably for a Parking Lot

In news that absolutely no one saw coming, the Bahamas Bowl will not be held in the Bahamas this year. Let that sink in. A bowl game literally named after a tropical paradise is abandoning its namesake. Is nothing sacred anymore? We're picturing it now: the "Detroit Lions Mid-Winter Melancholy Bowl" or the "Purdue Farmers Almanac Bowl." It's a sad day when even our exotic December trips get axed for, presumably, a more fiscally responsible yet soul-crushingly bland location. Our sources tell us the mascot, whoever it is, is currently in therapy, dreaming of white sands and fruity drinks. We feel you, buddy. We feel you.

Early Recruiting Race: Who's Stocking Up & Who's Already Sweating in June

While the casual fan is grilling hot dogs, the recruiting world is a full-contact sport, even in June. Teams are already making major pushes for 2026 commits, and the transfer portal continues to spin like a broken carousel. We've seen some big names shuffle around, and every commitment comes with the usual fanfare and premature proclamations of "future dynasty." It's a constant arms race where players are chasing opportunities and schools are trying to buy the next championship. Will these early commitments stick? Will the portal continue to wreak havoc? The only thing certain is that somewhere, a coach is losing sleep over a 5-star who just retweeted a rival's offer. The madness never truly ends.

That's it for our first dispatch from the gridiron's dark underbelly. We hope you enjoyed the ride, the snark, and perhaps even learned something. Stay tuned for our next issue, where we'll continue to expose the truths and absurdities of college football.

Until then, may your mascots be mighty and your bets be bold.

The Betting the Mascots Team

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